The tension of having to live two mutally exclusive lives weighs heavily on me, always looming in the background of my small existence. I have made my choice - I cannot with a clean take the other path, which offers only small-mindedness, spite and a spiraling descent into a life oh hypocrisy and delusion. But although I may have internally taken this stance, I am still forced to maintain an elaborate artifice of propriety for those concerned, to put on a face to meet the faces that I meet - this ruse often makes me feel like a coward and a liar, but I see no alternative. It is for myself that I do this - what could I possibly have to gain? - but for the well-being of others who would be devastated were they to know how I truly feel. I comfort myself with the knowledge that I have succeeded for years in keeping my two worlds apart, but cannot shake the fear that someday my little deception will be uncovered.
Above all, I regret not having been able to explain my circumstances to those closest to me, since they deserve to know, and, I hope, truly do care. I desperately want to articulate these things and have someone else hear them, but I am paralyzed by fear of how they will react.
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